


Broken pieces

by goldenpatronus



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Cursed Child - Thorne & Rowling
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Breaking Up & Making Up, Coming of Age, Depression, Drama, Family Bonding, Family Feels, Getting Back Together, Growing Up, Harry Potter and the Cursed Child Compliant, M/M, References to Depression, albus pov
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-22
Updated: 2020-02-23
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:42:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22839493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goldenpatronus/pseuds/goldenpatronus
Summary: Ever since their first year, Scorpius and Albus have been always together. That's why, after their break up, Albus goes away and lives abroad for five years in order to get his life back together. When he comes back, he has to pick up the pieces of everything he left behind, including what's left of Scorpius and him.Cursed Child Compliant, though it can be read on its own.
Relationships: Minor or Background Relationship(s), Scorpius Malfoy/Albus Severus Potter
Comments: 16
Kudos: 54





	1. Chapter 1

“I’m so tired of this, I can’t keep doing it anymore!” Scorpius cried out.

“Well then imagine how I feel! I’m so sorry you have to deal with MY bullshit!” Albus screamed back.

“Stop!” Scorpius yelled, and put his hands on the table to support himself. He was shaking. “Stop! You always do this! You always victimize yourself to not take any responsibility for your behaviour!”

“Oh, now you are just sounding like my father” Albus scoffed. “You know how I am. You know how this is. You’ve always knew.”

“You keep doing it!” Scorpius yelled in frustration. “You bring up your father, your family, your depression! There’s always some bloody excuse and at the end of the day you can never get your shit together!”

“I am trying! I’m sorry it’s not so fucking easy for me to get a job, to find a career I’m passionate about. Not everyone is so bloody perfect like you-“

“Don’t make this about me!”

“IT IS ABOUT YOU!” Albus screamed “It’s so fucking easy for you to pressure me! You had perfect grades, you were always so bloody smart and talented, and you knew I sucked!” his voice broke, unable to contain the emotions “You always knew, Scorpius. I’ve always been shit at magic, at school, at everything. You knew this was going to be hard and you said you were going to be there for me and now-“

“I’ve been there for 10 years Albus!” Scorpius yelled “ten bloody years and nothing has changed.”

Albus finally broke down, shaken by Scorpius’ tone, thick tears falling down his cheeks. “Oh I’m sorry this is SO hard on you!” He spat. “You are not the one who can’t find a stable job, you know? Or finish a fucking career, or figure things out, or just keeps being a bloody disappointment to everyone. I’m trying, I’m fucking trying. You know that better than anyone. I’m trying and I’m still failing and if you are tired of it imagine how tired I am!”

“This isn’t about your career!” Scorpius screamed, tears now running down his cheeks. “I don’t care if you don’t have a job, or a career or anything. I am tired of this!” He gestured around.

“What?” Albus asked. “Me?” The anger in his voice was becoming more visible.

“No? Yes?” Scorpius stopped for a second. “I don’t fucking know!” He cried out frustrated “I don’t know anymore! I am tired of you mopping around all the time, I’m tired of your sulky mood and our arguments and I’m tired of your self-hatred and of us going over and over the same issues all the time!” He was yelling.

“You said you understood.” Albus was shaking so much it was hard to speak. “You said there was nothing wrong with me-“

“I never said that.” Scorpius accused. “I always told you you had to get better, that you could get better.”

“And what is this all about now?” He mocked, darkly. 

“We are 21 Albus.” 

“I didn’t know there was a fucking deadline!” He cried, his voice breaking at the end, high and desperate. 

“I’m tired!” Scorpius screamed “It feels like we are 15, like nothing changed.” He sunk into a chair, still crying, and covered his eyes with his hands. “I thought your moods would get better, that your relationship will your family would improve, that you would stop fighting with your dad all the time.” He swallowed with difficulty around his constricted throat, and continued with a voice shaking. “I thought your depression would get better, since you started seeing that therapist. That you’ll find a passion and a job but-“ He paused.

“But?” Albus asked.

“But nothing changed.” He looked at Albus, lost. He looked away. “I don’t know what to do.”

“Me neither.” Said Albus. He knew Scorpius was right, but he didn’t know what to do. He was as lost as Scorpius, and felt as tired and drained. 

Scorpius looked up to him and they stared at each other in silence.

“You said you’d always be there.” Albus said softly.

“I am here.” Scorpius said just as softly.

“But you don’t want to.” Albus stated, his voice almost a whisper, as if he was afraid of the answer.

“I-“ Scorpius began. “I want to.” He said, but began crying again, and Albus’ heart broke for the millionth time that evening. “I’m just so tired.” He sounded truly pained and Albus felt his heart tugging. “It feels like we’ve been dancing around the same issues since we are 15 and it’s so suffocating, Albus, it’s so suffocating I-“ He sounded so desperate that Albus felt like crying again. “How much longer? How long will this be like this?”

“By this you mean myself?” Albus said. Scorpius remained silent. 

Something inside Albus snapped, and the sadness was replaced by anger. 

“Have you ever considered,” He began asking, his filled with venom. “That maybe this is me?” He paused, and Scorpius didn’t answer. “This is me. There’s no more.”

“Albus-“ Scorpius began.

“Maybe,” Albus continued, “you shouldn’t have started a relationship with someone you wanted to change. Maybe you should have accepted that this is just who I am.” He spat. “Why on earth are you dating me if I drown you so much?”

“That’s not…” Scorpius paused, taking a deep breath. “That’s not fair. This is just…. a part of you, not all. It’s not…“ He took a deep breath again, running his hand through his hair. “You were my best friend.” Albus was lost at the change in subject. “My only friend.” Scorpius continued. “And I loved you, so much. It was so much fun being with you, and yes, you were sulky, and moody, but everyone though it was just a phase, that you’ll grow out of it.”

“Yeah, the depression diagnostic hit everyone like a train.” Albus laughed darkly.

Scorpius shook his head. “But it never got better and… and we are not kids anymore. And now it’s just not fun.” Scorpius finished talking and the silence stretched across the room. 

“I’m tired.” Albus finally said, and Scorpius looked at him. Without saying anything else, he turned around and walked to their bedroom.

“Albus, what are you-“ He heard Scorpius following him from the kitchen. 

He ignored him as he knelt in front of their closet, opening a drawer and taking his clothes out.

“Albus what are you doing.” Scorpius’ voice was shaking, and he was clutching the door frame for support.

“I’m tired.” Repeated Albus. “And you are tired. And we are not kids and this isn’t fun anymore.” He looked at Scorpius as he paraphrased the words he had used.

“Albus-“

“No.” He stood up from where he was kneeling. “This me. This is us.” He gestured with his arms and dropped them in defeat. “There’s no more. You said it yourself, it’s been 10 years, we know each other inside out. This is us.” He paused. “Do you want it or not?”

Scorpius remained silent for a moment before speaking. “Albus-“

“Do you want it, or not?” He repeated, more sternly. 

“We can fix-“

“Do you want it, OR NOT?” He yelled loudly, and Scorpius took a step back. “There’s nothing to fix. I’m tired of trying. This relationship seems to be built on your hopes that someday things will be different. And it’s not fair. You can’t be in love with the idea of the person I will someday become.”

“That is NOT it!” Scorpius yelled louder than Albus had ever heard him. “I love you! I’ve always loved you and you know it, don’t you dare imply that-!“

“But you want me to change!” Albus yelled back. “You’ve always wanted me to change!”

“For your own good! For Merlin sakes Albus I’m talking about your mental illness not about-“

“But it’s fucking there!” His voice was sore from screaming so much and it hurt. “My mental illness is bloody here. All my flaws are bloody here. My lack of talent, my lack of motivation, my moods, all of this has always been here and you keep saying that things will get better, but they don’t, and I can’t keep going because this-“ He paused and gestured at both of them. “This is what it is. That’s it” He said defeated. “It won’t change. So do you want it or not?”

Albus waited. Scorpius remained silent.

He kneeled down to empty the drawers. 

(…)

“We said we’d always be friends.” The streets of London where packed with people, and the winter cold was harsh despite the bright sun.

“Yeah, well, we were kids, Scorpius.” Albus tugged at the strap on his shoulder, adjusting his backpack and avoiding eye contact.

The silence stretched for uncomfortable seconds until Scorpius broke it again.

“So you are leaving tomorrow?” It had been roughly 3 weeks since their break up, and Albus had done a fantastic job avoiding Scorpius ever since. But of course he had to run into him. England was truly too small.

“Yeah.” He didn’t feel like speaking, he wanted to run away. 

“It’s official then?” He asked so softly that Albus almost didn’t hear him.

He finally turned his face to look at him. He looked terrible, Albus hadn’t seen him so bad since fourth year. The sadness in his eyes was unmaskable, his bottom lip was quivering the tiniest bit and he looked smaller than ever. In a horrible flashback, Albus found himself in front of a 14 years old Scorpius, small and fragile, asking him to come to his mother funeral. 

It took all of Albus’ willpower not to hug him right there. He felt a knot on his throat, the pain of it threatening to let tears form in his eyes. His instinct to protect and comfort Scorpius was as natural and strong as breathing, and it hurt to resist it.

But he couldn’t. So he tugged at the strap of his backpack once more and avoided eye contact. 

“I thought that was settled?” He said, his voice contained. 

The silence stretched, and from the corner of his eyes Albus could see Scorpius’ feet fidgeting on the sidewalk. 

“How long?” Scorpius finally asked.

“Does it matter?” He spat. Scorpius remained silent, so he just sighed. “I don’t know.” He answered.

Scorpius opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. He closed it and tried once more, but finally gave up. He stood there, balancing on his feet. The silence was mortifying. 

Albus finally broke it. “Goodbye, I guess.” He waited for another second before turning around.

“What if-“ Scorpius called back. Albus stopped on his tracks, but didn’t turn around. “What if you get a nightmare?” Scorpius continued. “What if I get a nightmare?”

Albus swallowed with some difficulty and turned his head back. “You can call me. You can owl me. I’ll always answer.”

“It won’t be the same.” Scorpius voice was a whisper. 

Albus sighed and finally turned around. “Is this what we’ve become? Just a toxic coping mechanism?”

Scorpius let out a wobbly laugh, the tears prickling in his eyes. “We are the only ones that understand what the other went through, especially in fourth year I-“

“We can’t let our traumas tie us.” He interrupted, though the memories that Scorpius brought back clung at his heart and made it hard to breathe. “We’ve been through a lot… but our pain… we are just hurting each other because we can’t let go.”

Scorpius stood there, tears falling down his eyes. Albus clutched at the strap of his bag to contain himself from hugging Scorpius right there and then, like nothing else mattered.

But everything else mattered, so much.

So he turned around and walked away.

This time Scorpius didn’t call back. 

(…)

Coming back to England wasn’t an easy decision. Five years had passed since he had decided to move to New York and the idea of coming back scared him more that he would ever admit. 

But he missed his family, and his father had insisted in having him for Christmas and spending some time together. And Albus didn’t have much going on at New York anyways. 

He had a small job, at a coffee shop. He wasn’t great at costumer service, but the smell of coffee and the catchy indie songs were a small comfort. And it provided an opportunity to meet new people. After all the city was full of tourists, each one of them with different backgrounds. He liked to think he learnt something new from every story he heard, though maybe it was wistful thinking.

He also had a small flat, too, with a view of a small park to one side and the blinding city lights on the other. And he also had some friends. They were wizards, but they also were New Yorkers who couldn’t care less about British history so they didn’t care what Harry Potter had done or what Hogwarts was like. 

So he had friends, and he had casual one night stands, and a favourite restaurant down the block that made the best foreign dishes he had ever tried. He had a good time. But he still felt empty. 

New York was nice, but it wasn’t him. It showed in the ways that Christmas never felt like they used to, it showed every time he remembered memories and had no one to share with. Every time he referenced and old inside joke and realized that he was the only one to understand it. 

All his friends had different histories, different families. And New York was maybe too different from England, and traveling oversea to visit was hard and he missed his mom’s hugs. 

So when his father called him via muggle phone, and he heard Lily screaming from behind and the explosion of one of Uncle George’s artefacts, he felt his heart tugging, and it only took his dad promising to make his favourite dessert to agree to go over for the holidays. 

So there he was now, suitcase in hand as he knocked on the Potter’s door. His mother opened it, her bright red hair tied up in a messy pony tail, and her smile was so bright and familiar that Albus couldn’t help to smile back.

“Hey.” He said as he found himself crushed by his mother’s embrace. 

“Baby…” His mother called him, as she kissed his hair, even though it’s been ages since he had become taller and bigger than her. “We’ve missed you.”

“I know,” He said, and tightened his arms around her. “I missed home too.”


	2. Chapter 2

“Five years.” Stated Lily, from where she was sitting on the kitchen counter, her feet dangling above the floor. “And you never visited, you barely owled us and-“

“We had muggle videocalls. And floo calls.” Albus said, trying to feel less guilty.

“It’s not the same!” Her sister exclaimed, clutching at her cup with two firm hands. “And you barely gave us time to process it, one day you just said you were leaving and then-! I never thought you’d be gone for so long.” She sighed, taking a pause to look at him. “It’s good to have you for the holidays, though.”

Albus smiled at her. He knew that she, as well as everyone else, had their right to be mad. No one had really understood at first. He had received many letters during his first month in New York, from Rose, to his uncle George. But after the news of his and Scorpius’ break up started to travel around, everyone started asking fewer questions, and they suddenly let go of the accusatory tone in their correspondence and floo calls. It was as if silently they had all understood what it was all about. And he was relieved, but he also hated that everyone just…. knew. It harder to come back home and face their knowing faces.

“It was hard to come back.” He admitted. “But I wanted too, I kinda missed you all.” He smile softly, drinking his tea.

“Kinda?” Lily arched and eyebrow.

“Oh stop it. That’s the most you are going to get out of me and you know it.” He rolled his eyes.

Lily smiled, and playfully kicked his shoulder from her advantage point in the counter. 

“And how long are you staying?” Lily finally asked.

“I’m not sure.” He took a sip from his tea. “I want to catch up with everyone first, you know? Uncle Ron already invited me for dinner, but Rose is working so I have to schedule for another time with her. And James wanted to go camping or something? Something about brother-bonding-time. I said no, because I hate camping, and he made this big dramatic scene about me abandoning him.” He shrugged. “We are still going to do something anyways, but the kids demand a lot of time, and he has parenting duties of course. And I also want to see the kids too. Nora said she they were already asking about me…” He sighed. “They must be so big… Teddy said that Aiden is starting Hogwarts next year?”

Lily nodded. “Yeah, and he was so happy when he heard you were coming over for the Holidays.” She gave him a sad smile. “He always asks about Uncle Albus.”

Albus smiled too. He felt bad, whenever he remembered everything he left behind when he'd moved oversea. But he needed it. He needed to be far away, he needed to meet new people, to see things from a different perspective and have time to be truly alone and think.

And to be far away from a certain someone he would rather not think about.

“I missed you all so much, I truly did. But I needed- I…” 

“Hey,” Lily jumped from down the counter, sitting on the chair next to him. “I get it. I know I complain about it all the time, but that’s because I missed you and it hurt a bit when you left.” Albus opened his mouth to speak, but she put a hand on his shoulder. “But I get it, I promise. I do.” And before he could process it, she hugged him. He felt tears burning in his eyes. 

Five years ago, when he had fled from the flat he had been sharing with Scorpius, he had apparated outside of Lily’s place, a messy suitcase in his hand and his eyes red and swollen from crying. She had hugged him, and he had told her everything and probably more than he had intended in the first place. His voice had been coarse and thick as he spoke. He had probably rambled too much, but she hadn’t said anything, she just hugged him and let him crash for the night. 

They had spent the night sitting in Lily’s living room, blankets and pillows all over the place. Lily had put a muggle movie and bought ice cream, and it reminded Albus of when they were kids and James had left for Hogwarts for the first time. They had been both terribly sad at their brother leaving, so their dad had made them a pillow fort in the living room and let them watch movies until they had fallen asleep.

That night, Albus had relived that memory while Lily combed his tangled mop of hair with her fingers. She had reassured him that everything would be fine, and he had allowed her to pet his hair until he passed out from sleep.

In the morning, she had called Teddy to come over for breakfast, and he told once again the same story, this time a little less sad and more refreshed over a strong cup coffee. Lily had held his hand the entire time he spoke. 

The following week he had sent her a letter explaining his plans to move overseas. 

He hadn’t understood, at that time, how lucky he was to have a sister like Lily. But so much time away from her had put things into perspective.

“Thank you,” He said, pulling back from the hug. “For everything. I don’t deserve you.”

Lily looked at him for a moment, the ghost of a smile still on her face, before speaking.

“When I was in my third year,” She started, now sitting again on her chair and looking down at her fingers. “when Astor Brown cheated on me with Millie, all I wanted to do was to run away and hide until everything passed away. I hid in the most desert corridor hoping no one would find me. But you did.” She looked at Albus. “You took off the invisibility cloak and almost scared the hell out of me.” She laughed. “Then you sat there with me for a good hour, and you didn’t care if anyone could find us and give us detention. You let me cry, and then you hugged me and gave me the invisibility cloak to go back to the Gryffindor tower, even though you needed it too.” She paused and looked at him in the eyes. “What I mean, is that you always deserved much more than you give yourself credit for. Much more than you were willing to accept. That has always been your biggest flaw. I wish I had said it before you left.”

“Lily…” Albus started, deeply touched by her sister’s words.

“You are good.” She continued. “You’ve always been. At least to me.” Her eyes were now filling with tears.

Albus felt his eyes burning and was about to hug her when his dad entered the kitchen.

“Oh- Uh…” He stopped on his tracks, as eloquent as he always was. “Am I interrupting?” Harry asked shyly.

Lily dried her tears with her hand and laughed. “Nah, don’t worry.” She said “We were just sharing some emotional family memories. You know, for bonding.” Albus rolled his eyes. “Wanna join?"

His dad laughed. “And what type of emotional family memories are we talking about?”

“Oh, just tell us your favourites, please. The more emotional and embarrassing, the better.” 

“Well…” He rubbed his chin as he pondered for a moment. “Have I ever told you about the time your brother cried because he couldn’t turn his hair turquoise like Teddy? And because James told him the reason he couldn’t do it was because he didn’t have magic? I think it took your mom and me two hours to calm Albus down. Your mother wanted to murder James afterwards.”

Lily burst in laughter, and Albus wanted to die as his father continued to talk.

(…)

Helping Rose assemble her new couch to her place wasn’t exactly how he wished to spend his first week back in England, but he decided he owed it to her as an apology. 

“You know, if you had given me more time we could have made a goodbye party or something before you left.” Rose said, waving her wand to unpack the last boxes.

Albus was sitting down on the floor, using his wand to unwrap the various pieces Rose was unpacking. 

“Well,” He said, putting his wand down. “That was kind of the point. I didn’t want anyone to make a big deal out of it, like they always do…” Rose opened her mouth to speak, but Albus put his hand up. “I know, I know you. You all mean well, but that type of stuff has never been my thing and you know it. And I usually can put up with it because I love you all,” He had been working with his therapist about being more honest and vocal with his feelings, so he tried to remind his family that he cared as much as possible. “But at that time I just… I didn’t have the energy. That was kind of the entire point of it, Rose.”

His cousin sighed, and she sat next to him. “I’m still mad, but I guess I can lecture you about it later. For now, I’m just happy you are here.”

“Thanks mom.” He mocked her, and she stuck out her tongue, so he shoved her away. Rose laughed. “How mature.” He rolled his eyes, but still smiled at her.

“So, where are you staying?” She finally asked.

“My parents practically forced me to stay with them, so I’m using the guest room.” Albus picked at a loose thread on his jeans. “Which is fine, because I actually missed them, and it saved me the whole trouble of looking for an apartment.”

Rose nodded. “You can stay here, too, if you want. Jessica and I are sharing a room now, so that leaves the other one free.” She smiled, blushing a bit. It had been about six months since she had told Albus that she and Jessica were dating, after a good two years of being just roommates. It had been a shock to everyone, not only that Rose Granger-Weasley was a lesbian, but that she was also dating a muggle. Albus didn’t care, he had been just happy to find out that he wasn’t the only gay cousin. 

“Yeah, about that…” He kicked at her playfully. “I think I need more details on that story. As the first and main gay kid of the family,” He said with an air of superiority. “I expect nothing but exhaustive details on the matter.” 

“Ha, ha” She fake laughed. “Well, I’m also still waiting for that exhaustive detail on your romantic life, sir. Everything I heard about that infamous break up was from second hand sources.” Albus avoided eye contact. Every time Rose had tried to touch the subject, he had promised her that he’d rather do it in person. He knew that Rose was aware that it was just an excuse, but he still couldn’t bring himself to tell her anything. 

“Hey,” Rose said softly, noticing his withdrawal. “I’m joking, you know? It’s just… Everything happened so quickly, and I thought… Everyone thought that you two were endgame, you know?” She bit her lip, looking away. “You were always inseparable. I don’t think anyone fathomed the idea of you two apart. I just don’t understand how it happened.”

Albus kept avoiding eye contact. “Me neither.” He lied. “But… I can’t, not now. I’ll tell you later, okay?” 

Being back in England had brought back the memories he had been trying to run away from. He’d thought that after five years everything would be fine, but every place he visited still held so many memories and it was hard to find something that didn’t remind him of Scorpius. He struggled to remember if he had any memories without him. Even the burrow had reminded him of all the Christmas they had spent together. It felt like no place was safe from Scorpius’ presence. 

That’s why New York had been so safe, that’s why he had been so scared to come back and face it all again. New York was different, and new, and didn’t have Scorpius in it.

“Okay.” She said after a moment passed. “Do you want pumpkin juice?” She asked instead. “We have all day to finish assembling this couch, no need to rush.”

“Pumpkin juice sounds great.” He said, and Rose left to the kitchen. Albus used his time alone to compose himself, trying to push away all the memories of everything he had left behind five years ago. 

(…)

Dusting the floor the muggle way would have made more than one wizard or witch raise their eyebrows, but Albus had been raised to respect muggle’s chores. Plus, house spells had never been his strength anyways. It would have been easier, Albus admitted, to just wave his wand and clean the floor. But Rose’s place was big and he didn’t trust his ability to vanish the dust properly. The last thing he wanted was to catch the attention of Rose’s muggle neighbours. 

Rose had left to run some errands after they had both finished with the couch, and he offered to clean up for her. He knew that Rose was always busy, and it’s not like he had anything else to do for the day.

He had put one of Rose’s girlfriend’s muggle songs, and he was focused on dusting when he heard a knock on the door.

Maybe he should have asked who it was, before opening the door. He knew his dad would have been deeply disappointed in his disregard for safety, but he had been distracted by the music.

“Rose, I got you the reports on-“ By the time Scorpius looked up from the stack of papers on his arms, Albus was already frozen on the spot. 

The last time he had seen Scorpius he had been crying on a cold sidewalk. He still remembered his caramel-coloured coat and his blue beanie, his flushed cheeks and red-rimmed eyes. He remembered all his last moments with Scorpius with painful detail.

That had been five years ago, and Albus had been good at pretending that Scorpius just didn’t exist anymore. 

But here he was now. 

His hair looked the same, though Albus couldn’t recall the coat he was wearing. He must have gotten it in those last five years he hadn’t been around. He didn’t know why, but the thought made his heart constrict. The scarf, however, was old. Albus remembered it. And somehow that hurt more than the coat he couldn’t recognize.

Still nothing hurt more than seeing his face. 

His eyes were the same baby blue as Albus remembered. They were looking at him now with an expression of terror. Albus would’ve laughed, if he hadn’t been struck in the same position. The mole under his left eye, on the highest point of his cheek, was also the same. A rush of memories came to Albus about all the times he had kissed it. 

He could have stayed there, picking apart every single detail about him that was the same or new, but Scorpius spoke and he was brought back to reality.

“Albus?” He said, softly, as if the image in front of him wasn’t real. As if speaking louder than a whisper would have made it disappear. 

“Hey.” He said. Because saying Scorpius’ name out loud was something he couldn’t bring himself to do.

“You...” His expression was unreadable to Albus, and the realisation caused mixed reactions inside of him. 

There had been a time when Albus had been able to read Scorpius like an open book. Scorpius had been crystal clear, and Albus just had to glance at him to find the answers. But that time had been five years ago, and it felt now like a life time away. 

“I thought you were in New York.” He finally said, his voice barely above whisper.

“I came back for the Holidays.” He said, still standing on the threshold, his hand still on the doorknob. 

“After all this years?” Scorpius asked. Something changed in his expression, and he seemed to be startled by his own question. He stood straighter, looking away from Albus. “Sorry. I was just, surprised. That’s all.” He paused and spared a glance in Albus direction. “Sorry.” He added again.

“It’s okay.” He shifted on his feet, unsure of what to say. “Felt like it was about time, I don’t know.”

Scorpius nodded, and the conversation fell flat.

The corridor outside was empty, and from the window at the end of it Albus could see that it was starting to get dark. The last traces of light reflected on the soft rain falling outside, and he internally cursed at Rose for living on a muggle place without a floo connection he could borrow. 

He turned his attention to Scorpius again, and caught his eyes still fixed on Albus. He looked confused, or scared, and there was also an unmistakable hardness in his eyes. Still, Albus couldn’t tell what he was thinking. 

At first Albus thought he looked angry, and feared that he would lash out at him. But there was something more to his expression, and Albus had never felt so desperate for not being able to know what it was.

He shifted uncomfortably again. “Are those for Rose?” Albus finally asked, nodding to the papers.

The words seemed to kick Scorpius out of his thoughts, and he looked away and cleared his throat.

“Yes. I have this reports on muggle related accidents at St. Mungo’s that she asked me for.” He handed the papers to Albus.

“Oh, you still work at St Mungo’s?” He asked absent-mindedly as he received the papers.

“Yeah.” Scorpius answered casually, though the tension on his shoulders was visible. “I got promoted a while ago. I still work with the kids, but I have more time to do my own research.” 

“That’s amazing.” Albus said sincerely, and he couldn’t help but smile. He knew that Scorpius loved working with kids, but it had always been his dream to do a meaningful contribution in the healing field. He often talked about how underdeveloped was the area involving dark curses, and Albus could tell that he remembered his mother every time he mentioned it. He felt genuine happiness at the thought of it working out for him.

Scorpius looked at him, and something passed in his eyes. Albus wondered if he was thinking the same thing as him, if he was remembering all those plans they had made about a future they never had.

“Yeah, it’s nice.” He said after a moment had passed. 

Albus nodded, not sure of what to say. The silence once again seemed to stretch forever.

“Scorpius?” Rose’s voice sounded distant on the corridor. Albus let go of a breath he didn’t know he was holding. 

Rose took in the scene in front of her as she walked up to them, her eyes shifting anxiously between the two as she came closer. 

“The reports. I had completely forgotten.” She said as she stopped in front of them. “With the news and everything it just flew out of my mind…” 

“It’s okay.” Scorpius said. “I should’ve called you first.” Scorpius reassured her, apparently glad to shift the conversation to Rose. Albus stood there in silence.

“Well, I’ll get them back to you on Monday. Thank you for bringing them.” Rose said, taking the stack of papers from Albus. 

“Sure. I’ll see you then.” He smiled at Rose and then gave a stiff nod to Albus before walking away. 

When the door finally closed behind them, Rose eyed him cautiously.

“Albus…” She started.

“I’m fine.” He said shortly, picking up his jacket. “I’m finished anyways. I picked everything up.” He picked his wand from the couch and headed back to the door. “I’m sorry I can’t stay for dinner.”

“Albus, I’m sorry, I had no idea he was…”

“Rose.” He cut her. “I’m fine” He lied. “I’ll text you when I get home.” He opened the door. “Actually, my phone doesn’t work at my parents’ home. Too much magic. I’ll owl you.” 

Rose nodded again, and he disappeared behind the door. 

(…)

Albus wasn’t crying. He just wasn’t. Because he had cried for months five years ago and he had promised himself that he had moved on, that he didn’t care.

But he also refused to lift his head from the pillow, because if he didn’t see the tears then they weren’t real.

It sounded like a logical thought, but after minutes passed and the need for oxygen became unbearable, he turned around and gasped for air.

The shaky breath he let out exposed the mess he currently was, and he chuckled at himself as he wiped the tears from his eyes.

A part of him thought that it was okay to react that way, that the reaction was normal after not seeing Scorpius for so many years. But another part of himself, the one he had been working on for so long over this past years, was thoroughly disappointed at the effect that Scorpius still had on him.

At the back of his mind, a voice that sounded too much like his therapist, told him that this was doomed to happen, that running away was the exact opposite of facing the problem. And he hated it, he hated that he knew that the voice was right.

Albus sighed and looked up at the celling. 

He had never intended to be away for so long. After their break up, Albus knew that he needed to run away. His relationship with Scorpius was the last thing to fall apart from his life and it was definitely the last straw. 

He had thought, back then, that Scorpius was the only constant in his life. After everything they had been through, after so many years of friendship and relationship, Scorpius felt like his backbone. More than his parents, more than himself, he trusted Scorpius to always be the shoulder to rely on. He knew now that he had taken him for granted.

And he hadn’t planned it either, back then, to finish what they had. But Scorpius’ hesitation was all the confirmation he had needed. 

He had spent the following three weeks going back and forth in his head, but Scorpius never reached out, and everyone had been starting to ask too many questions.

He had wanted to run back to Scorpius, to promise him that everything would be fine, that he would get better, that both of them would get better. He wanted to run to their flat and apologize, kiss him and swear that he will try his hardest and that it would be okay. But he couldn’t. He didn’t know if that statement was still real. After all, it felt like the biggest lie in the world.

He couldn’t run to Scorpius, so he had to run away. 

At first it had sounded like a good idea, just a small trip to clear his mind. But weeks turned into months, and months turned into years. And being away meant that he could pretend that nothing had happened, that his life hadn’t fallen apart and that he had lost the only thing that had ever mattered to him. 

Because it was true. Scorpius, his friendship, his love, it was the only thing Albus ever cared about, and he felt pathetic because of that. He had never been good at school, or sports, he never picked a proper hobby. It seemed like loving Scorpius was the only thing he had been good at. And apparently he hadn’t even been good at it, because he had lost him. 

And he couldn’t face that. So he stayed away. 

He stayed in New York, because coming home meant coming back to his family and their questions and their knowing eyes. It meant coming back to England and all the cafés and libraries Scorpius had insisted to visit over the years. It meant coming back to the photos of him and Scorpius hanging on the walls of his parents’ house, because Albus always refused to take pictures growing up and the only one that could coax him into it had been his best friend.

Coming back to England meant coming back to a life that had been monopolized by one person for his entire life since he first stepped on the Hogwarts’s Express when he was eleven. 

And it was unfair to Scorpius, to think of him that way, Albus knew that. Because Scorpius had been nothing but a wonderful friend and a loyal companion during his hardest years. It wasn’t Scorpius fault that Albus had no further interests, that his personality was bland and boring. 

It had all been Albus fault, and he knew it, so he couldn’t face it. 

So he did what he always did best, he procrastinated. He stayed in New York, and picked a job at a coffee shop because he wasn’t qualified to do much else. He learnt to make lattes and cappuccinos and how to deal with rude customers. Many years of bullying had given him a thick skin, and fake smiles came easier and easier every day. So he stayed, and he learnt how to difference various types of roasted coffee beans, and mastered the art of small talk.

The muggle coffee shop away from England, away from everything he knew, had been his safe place. 

And he learnt all the lyrics of all the pretentious indie music that played on the café, because it kept his head away from darker places. The music drowned his thoughts and that’s all he needed. Later, he began to think that maybe the lyrics weren’t so awful or pretentious. The chords were easy and the lyrics resonated with him, and he found himself humming in between shifts. 

He still thought that the music was pretentious and annoying, or so he told himself, but he still found himself buying a guitar and learning the chords because, well, he had a lot of free time and practically no one to hang out with. It wasn’t his fault. The songs were simple and easy and they played over and over in the coffee shop. If he started to like them, it wasn’t his fault.

Singing and making coffee, and pretending he had nothing to worry about but rent payment, had been the healthies coping mechanism he had ever had. If he ignored the fact that by coping he was just avoiding the problem. Which his therapist had reminded him of many times.

But he didn’t want to face it. He wasn’t brave enough. Maybe that’s why he wasn’t sorted in Gryffindor. 

Staying in New York became easier and easier as time passed. The routine settled in, the usual costumers became more usual. His family stopped asking questions, and instead of nagging him to comeback they decided to accept the fact that he was staying away, which made talking to them more enjoyable.

Missing his family had also done a good number on him, and maybe it also had done a good number on them. For example, he hadn’t expected his brother to be as heartbroken as he had been. He had called him, accusing him of leaving without heads-up, which quickly prompted into a discussion about why James cared when he had never been interested in Albus’ life before. They had brought up their childhood and their time at Hogwarts, but the breaking point had been James not being aware of his breakup with Scorpius. 

Things cooled down after that, and they talked more normally. And then James started to call more regularly, and maybe it was because the distance that made them miss each other, or maybe talking over floo calls made it easier to talk than in person, but Albus found himself enjoying his conversations with his brother for the first time in maybe ever. 

Something similar had happened with his father. Albus had found out that his father’s cooking was harder to recreate than he had remembered. Back then, Scorpius had, surprisingly, done more of the cooking. When he found himself alone in New York, he realized he barely knew the essentials to survive. So he’d wrote his father for recipes, and the rest was history.

He hadn’t need distance to miss his mum or his sister, but it did help to put things in perspective. For example, how much he missed their hugs.

And that had been the breaking point, Albus had told himself. Missing his family a little too much was finally what had brought him back home. Or maybe he had changed in all those years oversea and he was finally ready to face the mess he had done. Maybe.

Still, his intentions of fixing things had been mostly with his family and his own plans for his future. He had never expected to fix things with Scorpius, he was no fool. In fact, he had no plans on the matter of dealing with Scorpius. He was hoping that he wouldn’t have to deal with it at all.

And that was the reason he found himself in the situation he was currently in, crying on his parents’ guest room, because he had been not prepared at all to see that face again after five years.

Because thinking about his family or his interests was easy, but thinking about Scorpius was a complete different subject.

In all his time abroad, he had barely had a moment to reflect on what had happened. It hurt more than Albus could have ever imagined. Every time he tried to think of a certain blonde, the only thing that came to his mind were late night talks in hushed whispers on the Slytherin dorms, stolen kisses on the Hogwarts’ corridors and summer evening by the Great Lake. Thinking of Scorpius meant thinking of their first kisses, of broken promises of always being together. 

It meant thinking about their small London flat, lazy Sunday breakfasts and hot make out sessions around their new home.

Thinking of Scorpius meant thinking about the future he had never had and the past he longed for. 

Albus felt hot tears falling down his eyes again. This was the reason he never wanted to come back. He knew that seeing Scorpius would be too much, hearing his voice would bring back everything.

And fuck, he had almost forgotten his voice. The mere thought of it made his heart constrict with a sharp pain he had grown so used to. 

He wondered if there would be a time when he would forget completely what Scorpius voice sounded like, or if he would have to learn to keep on hearing it and not remember all the hushed love promises, all the words spoken to each other on their bedroom, when it was just the two of them. When they had thought it would always be the two of them.

Albus sobbed, and he covered his mouth to muffle the sound. 

He couldn’t face Scorpius. He couldn’t even phantom what he would say. Would he say he was sorry? Would they apologize and pretend nothing had ever happened? 

Or maybe Scorpius wouldn’t forgive him. Maybe he would hate Albus for wasting years of his live and then leaving him. But that wasn’t fair, because then Albus would have the right to be angry for Scorpius giving up on him, on them. So would they argue again? No. Albus felt too tired to even imagine it.

But maybe it would be worse than fighting or pretending nothing happened. Maybe Scorpius would refuse to talk to him. Maybe he would have realized that his life was so much better without Albus, that he was freer and he could flourish without Albus’ holding him back.

And maybe he had already flourished, maybe he had already moved on. 

In a crushing realization, Albus realized that maybe Scorpius had someone new. After all, it had been five years, and Scorpius had always been a catch. Smart, attractive, good hair, tall and slim, delicate features and the brightest purest smile Albus had ever seen.

He couldn’t do it, he just couldn’t. Albus turned around, once again buring his face on the pillow. He didn’t care about air, maybe if he died of suffocation he wouldn’t have to ever think of Scorpius again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! next chapter will probably take longer because i have a final this week, but i'll upload as soon as i'm finished.
> 
> once again thanks for reading! it means a lot :)


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